Priceless

Tuxedo Rental: $125

Roundtrip flight to Houston: $300

Pregnancy contractions causing trip cancellation: $425

Reservation reimbursement claim denied: PRICELESS

So.... Here's the deal. Last Fourth of July, my good friend Derryck proposed to his girlfriend, Kristin. YAY!! Obviously, I was thrilled for them both. (Honestly, Derryck needed to settle down; he's not getting any younger.) Along with the news, I was both flattered and honored to be asked to stand alongside Derryck on his special day in June 2009. Of course, I said yes. Definitely yes. That's what friends are for. Incidentally, I believe guys who stand in for their boys at weddings are the same guys who carry that friend's casket. Ironic, huh? (On the other hand, they are also the same people the wife ignores when pleaded to sprinkle ashes over some football or baseball field.)

Shortly after their engagement news, I had news: We were pregnant with child numero two, expected early July. The wedding was scheduled for mid-June, so my plans to participate went unchanged.

Fast forward to June 2009. The wedding was scheduled Saturday, June 20th. Since, our delivery date had been pushed up to induce on June 29th. Yikes. Close but still good. Going about the routine, I made all the necessary arrangements---tuxedo, hotel reservations, gifts, and of course roundtrip plane tickets to Houston. Now, the latter truly concerned me. A couple years ago, I got really burned by flight tickets my dad purchased for a family reunion trip to Ohio. Something came up at work not allowing my departure. The tickets were bought through either Travelocity or Expedia. After learning the trip would not be in my future, I called the one of the companies. They explained all would be fine, that I'd receive a credit for the cost to use for another flight in the future. Ok, cool. What they failed to mention were all the small print rules and tricky tomfoolery involved, like no flights on days that end with 'Y', no flying to reach a destination, must fly before sand runs out of mysterious sand hourglass hidden deep within a cave of the Island of Misfit Toys, etc. Ughhhh, the fine print. Always a stipulation missed. To make a long story short, I ended up kissing $650 down the drain. Poof. Gone. Buh-bye.

Hoping not to do the same with my wedding flight, knowing full well with an incoming bundle of joy anything could happen especially with my luck, I opted for the Access America travel insurance which would reimburse my cost 100% should I not make my trip. Feeling leery about the deal, I even called a representative of Access America to explain my situation in order to determine if this insurance was what I believed it to be. The person on the other end of the phone was extremely polite. She went over every point of the insurance policy and assured I would be taken care of.

The Wednesday before the wedding, baby contractions turned that mutha out. Ouch. Seriously, I am so glad I am a boy. Really, if reversed, could men endure the pains involved with having a child? I absolutely, unequivocally say NO. Are you kidding me? Especially if babies still came out of...that area. Oh my.... Continuing... Not wanting to be away for a long period of time, my flight was scheduled for Friday morning @ 6A with a quick turn around Sunday morning @ 8A. In and out. Boom. By Thursday afternoon, I realized going to Houston would be a poor mistake. If something had happened while I was in Houston, it would have been hellish dropping everything and making arrangements back home. Plus, the possibility of missing the birth of Harper's sibling would forever sting my heart. With those thoughts---not to mention, the woman moaning with a bowling ball between her legs---confirmed my decision to skip the wedding and wait patiently for that hurried drive to the hospital sometime that weekend. If you're wondering, nothing happened that weekend and I could have gone to the wedding---and I still feel absolutely terrible about not being there for my friends, Derryck and Kristin. Sorry :(

Shortly after the arrival of Miles Robinson, I submitted my claim to Access America for my full refund of my Continental Airlines tickets. At first there was some drama as they required I have our OB/GYN fill out information. Such a hassle, I thought, but if it hurries reimbursing my banking account, oh well... With all the necessary paperwork completed, I faxed my packet of information. Like a Nike executive at a sweatshop, I then propped my feet up on my desk waiting for the sound of a cash register. KA-CHING! Now, I had already lost the tuxedo money. Well, I could have not taken it from Men's Wearhouse and been refunded a fat twenty bucks. Instead, being a filmmaker and overall silly guy I could not allow the missed opportunity to goof off in a perfectly fine tuxedo. Especially when I'd opted for the insurance. (Video silliness may soon follow.)

Yesterday, I received a letter in the mail from Access America:

"Thank you for submitting your claim with Access America. We have completed our review and unfortunately we are unable to provide benefits under the coverage purchased for the following reasons - blah blah blah blah blah blah, a normal pregnancy is a general exclusion and is not included..."

WTF?! Are you serious? What about the kind words of advice from the representative who again was told details and ensured satisfaction before purchasing the agreement? WTF?! Are you serious, dude?

Just like that, POOF, the airlines kick me squarely in the baby maker. Added to my list of organizations I will actively plot against and ultimately have my revenge - Access America.

Oh no, we're not done, Access America. Watch your back.