Orphan

So... I've decided to see "Orphan", one of the latest horror/suspense flicks in theaters. As the name suggests, it is basically the story of people who adopt an orphan girl...things start happening...yada yada yada...the kid is not what they expected with all hell breaking lose. Now, we all know I dig the horror movie scene, but I'm not much into those featuring so-called scary children with the exception of "The Omen" and "The Village of the Damned" did spook me when I was little---albeit mainly because the kids looked like every blond haired kid in my music class. I often dreamed the class turning on me during "Row, row, row your boat". Eerie. Movies with scary children, I believe, can be easily remedied with two things: A leather belt and no witnesses. By no means do I condone abusing children, but, let's face it, sometimes a good whuppin' is the answer. One of those spankings where even the parent thinks about calling CPS afterwards. Frankly, this is how my parental units rolled. They understood how to raise children without the interference of a child abuse hotline.

Several, several years removed, I still remember the first, and only, time I pulled the "falling out in the store because my mom wouldn't buy something" trick. We all know what I'm talking about. This favorite kid move is seen across the world in every Toys-R-Us. Scene plays as follows: Kid wants toy, mom says no, kid throws a tantrum which includes kicking, screaming, and tears before losing control of legs and entire body dropping onto the floor. Amateur parents usually cave and appease the child's demands; others immediately collect their melodramatic kid before hurriedly exiting the store, vowing never to take the kid toy shopping again. My parents, mom especially, had her own way of dealing:

It was in a grocery store, I recall. Aisle 16B, breakfast cereals and crappy grocery store toys. Not crappy gadgets to a kid though. These toys were the coolest playthings on the face of the planet. To any kid, those crappy toy sections could have been mini-FAO Schawrz stores. Yo-yo's, Slinkies, army men, generic Barbie dolls... Seriously, who could ask for more? That day, I cannot remember what item flipped my demon switch. Whatever it was, I wanted it, and I WANTED IT BAD. Mom said no. I said yes. Again, she said no. I said I want it, so buy it. No. Yes. Let's go, son. BUY IT NOW. I had the last words of the rebuttal, ending with my head spinning while spitting green goo. Then, the patented kid's move was launched. Boom, onto the floor I went continuing full-fledged tantrum. Imaging it now, I was probably on my side, moving my legs, running/spinning in complete circles while screaming and yelling. No doubt I'd seen it performed by a fellow kid. Perhaps fellow kid got whatever he wanted. My act, however, included a very different variable - my mom. By no means am I old, but back then things were a little different. Back in those days, people weren't scared to spank their kids in public. There was no fear of someone calling the child abuse hotline or directing store security towards the belligerent parent with the broom handle. Oh, the broom handle. Although I never felt the broom handle, it was definitely an instrument of control I feared. In fact, the house was filled with parental weapons. The backscratcher, the flyswatter, the belt, rolled newspaper (the Sunday edition was frightening), shoes - all these tools could be utilized and were readily available anytime a kid forgot his standing in the home. Outside was no better. Switches pulled from trees were highly effective. Being asked to go outside and get a switch was like loading a gun with bullets. Back in those days, if a kid got in trouble at school, the teacher spanked him and anyone he encountered between school and home was allowed to get a lick in. Ouch. Back in those days, things were just different. I mean, back in those days, kids got spankings at school, spankings from grand parents, spankings at church, spankings at a friend's house. It amazes me those days did not bring forth the invention of a spanking machine. Or, maybe it did, but not that kind we're discussing here.

Anyways....

I fell out in the store demanding mom BUY IT NOW. Very calmly she smiled and shook her head towards onlookers, giving that "oh, silly boy" look. Certainly there were several returned nods accepting her unspoken apology for my behavior---not to mention an approving go ahead for any actions that may follow. My tantrum did not last very long. Mom made certain of it. With no homefield advantage, no parental weapons conveniently located, she made do with the most readily available item. Skillfully maneuvering our basket of grocery goodies around the Cheerios display, she reminded me how painful a grocery filled cart felt when mercilessly running over an idiot kid laying on the floor thus really giving me something to cry about. Remember those words: "Don't make me give you something to really cry about"? Those words...yikes. Thinking back, not once do I recall the guardian figure(s) on any scary child movies ever raise their voice or go nuts after the kid pulled some demonic crap the first time around. Maybe later in the movie when the dog was dead and the wife tossed down a flight of stairs. They must get to those demon kids early on. The first sign of diabolical tomfoolery: "DAMMIT, DAMIEN! GET OVER HERE. GET. OVER. HERE. NOW. PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN AND BRING YOUR ASS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW, OR BY GOLLY I WILL BEAT THE DEVIL OUTTA YOU, MY HAND ON A STACK OF BIBLES! DON'T MAKE ME GIVE YOU A REASON TO WANNA KILL SOMEBODY! GET OVER HERE!!" Those words followed by a good whuppin' may have made a difference.

Back to my story... After feeling the wheels of a loaded grocery cart, I learned a valuable lesson about falling out. Never did I allow such foolishness to happen again. For years, seeing other kids pull that trick baffled me. I was wondered how their parents would react. Sometimes, I'd just shake my head and move on.

I'll see "Orphan" this weekend. Friends, knowing how snobbish I am about horror film, highly recommend it so it'll be pretty good suspense thriller, and I am sure I will enjoy it. Still, in the back of my mind whenever the orphan girl acts foolishly, kicking things around and yelling at her new parents and siblings, I will know the solution---and silently thank my mom and dad for raising me not to be a little shit.